“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
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KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys