[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
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I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Me My dog
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.