I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
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The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
If you had more money you’d be happier.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Nice try, NASA
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?