God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Jurassic park gets weird
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768