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I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range