When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
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If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.