I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
You Might Also Like
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”