I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
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I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?