Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
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Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.