It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
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John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.