sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
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When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad