The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
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Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
bro what is going on at twitter
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.