“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
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Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
What’s a Messi?
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”