me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
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the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline