Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
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(before sex)
*sings national anthem
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.