“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
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THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I am all good here, 😂😉
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.