When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
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Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.