COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.