*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.