not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
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Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
When the stylist spins you back around
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.