I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
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Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
A completely valid reaction tbh
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it