I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
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Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.