I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
You Might Also Like
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”