This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
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Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
#Caturday
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Comparing yourself to others
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
constantly working on myself.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.