Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
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Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
My therapist after every session
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
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Me: Same
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded: