ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
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HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
first you must answer his riddles
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.