“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
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I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.