The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
You Might Also Like
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.