Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.