greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
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[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”