Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
You Might Also Like
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
All set.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”