“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
You Might Also Like
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
what’s more important?
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”