I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
You Might Also Like
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Look, I respect the skill. But no.