[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
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*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Um … Hot Wings please
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.