What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’