When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
You Might Also Like
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
When your man makes a valid point
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I feel seen
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I put the h in mysterious.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
thanks auntie mary
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here