Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
You Might Also Like
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
im 7 sauces long
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Risking my life for fun.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]