Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
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Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.