[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
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Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
❤️🦆