Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
You Might Also Like
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
That took me a moment.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.