The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
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I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
This week’s mood.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
so weird how every mom was born today
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.