Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
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Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Bike for sale
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?