*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
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I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.