Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
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Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
uh oh
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?