thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
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“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Not today
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it