Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
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Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”