Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
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Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?