You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
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I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.