Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
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A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday