*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
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$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Who chose this font
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.